Burchester Tales 3: Agony Uncle

Lee makes it home after his eventful night, in the latest instalment of Burchester Tales!

Burchester Tales: Episode 3

Agony Uncle by H. Lewis-Foster

“Look what the cat dragged in.” Ross took a large bite of his bacon sandwich, not bothering to swallow before he continued. “Thought you’d got lost.”

The sight of Ross's mouth full of food was pretty unpleasant, but it also reminded Lee how hungry he was. The slice of toast he’d politely nibbled at Stan’s had barely touched the sides of his grumbling stomach.

“Is there any of that bacon left? I’ll buy you some more when I go to the shops.”

“Sure. Help yourself.” Ross licked tomato sauce from his fingers. “It’s not mine anyway. I just found it in the fridge.”

“Ross, I don’t think we’re meant to eat each other’s food without asking.” Lee didn’t want to sound like a goody two-shoes, but neither did he wish to spend the year brokering peace between his bickering flatmates. “Tell you what, I’ll put an IOU on it, so nobody thinks it’s been nicked.”

“Good idea, mate.” While Ross polished off the rest of his sandwich, he turned the page of a magazine from one picture of a bikini-clad model to the next. “Make us a cup of coffee while you’re there.”

Lee wandered into the kitchen to make his second attempt at breakfast. As Lee switched on the grill of the tiny oven, Ross peeked round the door with an inquisitive smile.

“So whose bed did you sleep in last night?”

Lee had only known Ross a few days, but he seemed like a decent bloke, even if he was a little light-fingered around food. So Lee decided to be relatively truthful.

“I stayed over with a second year I met in the bar.”

“A second year?” Ross looked so impressed, Lee might have told him he’d won an Olympic gold medal. “Bloody hell, Lee. You must have some serious charm with the fairer sex.”

Opening the fridge in search of bacon, Lee contemplated going along with Ross’s mistaken assumption. His life might be a whole lot easier if his flatmates thought he was straight, but he also knew coming to Burchester was his chance to be honest and open right from the start. Lee took a breath and gave his reply.

“Well, I don’t know about the fairer sex, but I thought he was rather cute.”

Lee placed two rashers of bacon under the grill, and waited for his words to sink into Ross’s brain.

“Oh. Right.” Ross’s expression morphed from startled to doubtful to curious. “So you’re one of them, are you?”

“One of them?” Lee couldn’t help laughing. “That’s the kind of thing my gran would say.”

“Sorry. It’s just that…” Ross lowered his voice slightly. “I’ve never known anyone like you before.”

Lee chuckled. “I think I can safely say that’s not true.”

“Well, if I have met anyone—” Ross’s voice reduced in volume once more. “—gay, they certainly never told me. I come from a village in the backend of beyond. People tend not to admit to being a bit different.” Ross frowned uncertainly, seemingly deciding his opinion of Lee; then he broke into a cheerful grin. “Less than a week at uni and I’ve got myself a gay friend. How cool is that?”

“I don’t know about being cool." Lee hurriedly turned the bacon before it started to burn. ”But thanks for being such a good mate about it.”

“No worries.” Ross dropped two pieces of bread onto a plate and passed it to Lee. “So what’s he like then, this second year?”

“He’s …” Lee smiled to himself, hoping he didn’t look too much like a twelve-year-old girl mooning over a pop star. “He’s lovely. He’s so clever and funny, and he’s got this gorgeous blond hair.” Lee swiftly stopped himself before he got carried away.

“Sounds like Mr Perfect.” Ross handed Lee a bottle of tomato sauce in a jokily suggestive way. “And what’s he like in bed? A complete stud?”

“I wouldn’t know.” Lee carefully constructed his sandwich. “I was too pissed and he was too much of a gentleman. And besides, he has a boyfriend. Gus reckons they’ve virtually split up, but—”

Ross shook his head, as he switched on the kettle. “Lee, have you never seen any of those soppy films, where the bloke promises the woman he’s leaving his wife, then strings her along for the next ten years?”

Lee had sadly seen a dozen such tacky movies, but he genuinely didn’t think Gus was leading him on. Or at least he hoped he wasn’t. “He’s not like that, Ross.”

“Maybe.” Ross didn’t look convinced. “So are you going to see this Gus again?”

“Not sure. He hasn’t exactly asked me out on a date, but he did say I could go and watch him play football.” Lee took a bite out of his sandwich, savouring the salty bacon as he swallowed it down. “Do you think I should go?”

“Blowed if I know. I have enough trouble working out girls.” As Ross made himself a mug of coffee, he gave Lee a questioning look. “So have you had a boyfriend before?”

“Have you had a girlfriend?”

“I asked first.”

Ross was clearly better at winkling out secrets than he was, so Lee conceded defeat. “I had a bit of a snog with a lad I met on holiday, but that’s about it.” At the time, the quick fumble on Filey beach had seemed immensely erotic, but Gus made the French student he’d shared it with seem utterly ordinary.

“This could be a big moment, then.” Ross thoughtfully stirred his coffee. “A turning point in your as yet sexually unfulfilled life.”

Lee gulped down another mouthful of bacon. “Thanks for making this even more stressful, Ross.”

“It’s not stressful, mate, it’s a fantastic opportunity. You should definitely go to watch him play.” Ross took a slurp of steaming coffee. “If you’re lucky, he’ll have chucked his boyfriend, and you’ll finally get your end away. If not, you get to ogle a load of fit lads in shorts. You’ve got nothing to lose.”

“You know what, Ross? I think you might be right.” Lee’s stomach fluttered excitedly at the thought of Gus in his football kit. “For a straight bloke, you make a great gay agony uncle.”

“Cheers, mate.” Ross looked surprised, but undeniably chuffed. “Fancy another bacon sandwich?”

© H. Lewis-Foster 2014. All rights reserved.